HSP Frequently Asked Questions

Am I Highly Sensitive?

First of all, this is a very simple catch-all phrase. Every person on the planet falls somewhere on the sensitivity continuum in all areas they are conscious. We are all different and all of us have the potential to develop greater sensitivity in any number of areas. That being said, approximately 20% of the human race is unusually sensitive in a number of areas, relative to the other 80%. This sensitivity emerged young or at birth, and often shows up in a number of areas. Of the 20% of the world population that is unusually sensitive, some instinctively develop surface personas that mask sensitivity by demonstrating the exact opposite, while protecting a very soft interior that no one is let in. Others become control freaks, protecting themselves from shock and over-stimulation by controlling everything that goes on around them in very insensitive ways. Others adapt and avoid, and naturally find their niche in a quiet, stress-free job and single life, somewhat removed from the world. Only perhaps 1% of the population freezes up in extreme shyness and does not know how to engage at all. And most of the other 80% who are not born highly sensitive can consciously develop their sensitivity to become so. Those that do are often highly successful in a given niche, as in a gifted piano player, artist or lover.

I’m overwhelmed! What do I do?

There are four possible choices you can make in any situation in which you are overwhelmed:

•The first is to withdraw. Simply imagine an environment that would be more calm and less stimulating and withdraw from the environment that is too much. If you are on a crowded street, step out of the crowd for a while. If you are in a social setting, politely excuse yourself.

•The second is to negotiate. If your roommate is playing loud music or leaving a stressful amount of clutter, ask for a conversation and see if it is possible to negotiate a clearly defined change of behavior you can both feel good about.

•The third choice is to command. If you have the legal or social right to set the boundaries in a given situation, make a request for the behavior that is disturbing you to stop.

•If you are too overwhelmed to do any of the above choices you have the option of doing nothing, leaving your body, tuning the environment out and waiting for it to subside in the natural course of events. Once it has, you might then consider strategies for avoiding this setting in future by making a different choice.

Why do I feel so shy?

As sensitive people, we live in a world that is painfully rough for us in many areas. Nobody wants to feel pain, and sensitive people feel it more than most. It is natural and appropriate for you to be reluctant to engage in ways that are more stressful than pleasing. Transforming shyness need not involve abandoning your sensitivity or shaming yourself into suppressing it. Instead, you have the power to create alternate environments that do in fact honor your sensitivity.

Why am I so controlling?

Highly Sensitive People often come in two forms: those that are unusually withdrawn and those who are unusually controlling. This makes perfect sense, if you can accept that as sensitive people we have unusual needs that are disrespected by most of the people around us. As a result of not having our needs met and accepted, we learn that the only statistical probability we have of feeling comfortable is either to control our environment and the people in it, or withdraw from that environment. Because our world rewards extroverts in order for us to succeed some of us choose the approach of engaging strongly in the world and dominating it rather than withdrawing. It takes self-respect and skill to move beyond this stage to respectfully co-create with the world by finding those people who are willing to be educated about and respect our sensitivity without being dominated.

I’m Lonely. How do I connect?

As a sensitive person our preferences for connecting are often very different than others. When a non HSP wants to connect they will go to bars, parties, group outings and other high-stimulation venues. When we want to connect, these are often the last places we want to go. It can create loneliness to participate in a group that neither sees us or values our needs, and in which we tune out to avoid the over-stimulation. As sensitive people we need to learn an entirely new form of connecting and building relationships, which I talk about in my book: Maps to Love.

Is there any benefit to being highly sensitive?

The short answer is “yes!” although less than half of all sensitive people consciously recognize and appreciate these benefits. Sensitivity is a neutral force in life, creating a range of both extremely positive and negative consequences depending on the skill of the person and the environment they are exposed to. Someone with extremely sensitive hearing in a very quiet environment will be able to hear things no one else will that enable them to survive. Someone with an intense imagination may be able to see empowering possibilities that no one else can see. In a noisy environment someone who can hear really well may instead be in a lot of pain and unable to concentrate. Someone with an active imagination in a frightening world may become paranoid. Our challenge as highly sensitive people is to go through a rare process of self acceptance and respect that begins by recognizing where we are unusually sensitive and then create a niche for ourselves in which we can be valued for our gifts rather than punished for our differences.

Why do people hate me?

It is not personal. Because many people do not understand you, they want to avoid you. Because you are there, they may resent you for reminding them of something they do not understand. Or your sensitivity may make you a safe person to dump on, if your response to being dumped on is to self-shame or retreat. Being around you may also bring out the sensitive side in them, which may awaken painful memories. People have always punished minorities for no more reason than the extra effort it takes to think about something new when we all want to be comfortable. In a species that has had more pain than joy, anything that creates unnecessary discomfort is often seen as the enemy. It is an unusual person who recognizes the upside of differences and is drawn to them. Finding these people is often more effective than trying to change people who prefer that we did not exist so they would have less challenges in their lives.

How do I bring my gifts to the world?

This is a unique challenge that every highly sensitive person faces, often with little support. The coaching work we do is specifically designed to help those ready to discover and manifest their gifts. It is helpful to realize that there are few pre-made slots where you can simply fit yourself in. Rather, to win and prosper as a HSP, you will most likely be responsibly for dreaming the niche you wish to occupy, then creating that niche and finally fitting yourself in the niche that you have created. This is not simple, but is a path of abundance in which those who succeed can become recognized as leaders in thought, transformation, creativity and healing.

I’m in pain. How can I survive?

More than half of all HSP’s are experiencing more pain than well-being as a result of their unusual gifts in a world that does not know what to do with them. The first step for every HSP is developing coping mechanisms that allow us to first survive, and then reach a point where our sensitivity is bringing us more well-being than pain. All of my writing offers landmarks on my path in this direction. The individual coaching we do can be a powerful form of support to you taking your own unique steps in that direction. If you are under age fifty know that there is a 50% chance that by age fifty you will have learned and/or stumbled into ways of respecting your sensitivity and working with it in ways that bring you more joy than pain. We are here for those who want to dramatically speed up the process.

Why do I Self Sabotage?

Most HSP’s do not realize that they are. And those of us that do, often think of ourselves as non HSP’s when we plan our goals. In short, even though intense stimulation causes us pain, we buy in to the traditional goals of juggling a highly complex life successfully that in fact would bring us more pain than pleasure. So when we head down that path, the parts of us that we are ignoring and disrespecting often try and block us – and do. The path around this begins with accepting that we are different and having the courage to create new pictures of success that are personal to us and real, whether or not the rest of the world can understand them. In this way, while the parts of us that want to be life everyone else will not be thrilled, the biggest parts of us can in fact experience well-being.

I’m always creating chaos and intensity in my life that I don’t need to. Why?

Adrenaline is an addictive drug that is also a pain killer. Most HSP’s have been in so much pain so much of their lives that it can feel powerful and pleasurable to consciously or unconsciously over-stimulate themselves with adrenaline, endorphins and other internal drugs by creating crisis or engaging in hyper-stimulating activities. In and of itself, this is neither positive or negative. However, when we become addicted to stimulants that prevent us from honoring our pain and comfort thresholds, a downward spiral can emerge in which we need more and more stimulants to mask the increasing levels of pain we feel when lack the skill to respect who we are and our boundaries.

Nobody Sees Me. What can I do?

Most people see another by getting in touch with similar parts in themselves. As HSP’s, 80% of the population will have a hard time understanding and thus seeing parts of us. It is equally true that you probably cannot imagine what it is truly like not to be highly sensitive, so it is natural for misunderstanding to emerge. For us to be seen we first need to accept that much of the world simply cannot see us. This leaves us the choice of finding those who can and choosing to connect with them if it is in fact a priority to be seen. We often have choices to make between one person who may fit our image of a cool person to hang out with but who may not be able to see us, and someone else that does not fit our ideal pictures of relationship but who does in fact have the ability and willingness to see and be seen. In time we may find both. It begins by accepting the reality that is and being responsible for making the choices available to us in ways that serve our interest as we understand that.

Visibility is a dance between two people. Everyone has a limited ability to perceive, and our job is to first find partners and friends that want to see us, and then find a way to show up in the specific ways in which we are visible. If someone was mostly blind, we would come really close and perhaps tell them what we looked like. In fact, most people are mostly blind, leaving only a very narrow window through which they are open to receive new information. This narrow window is their natural response to the ever-increasing levels of disorienting stimulation that the world directs at all of us, in order to avoid being overwhelmed. Because most of us create this narrow opening semi-consciously, we do not advertise our blindness. So if you want to be seen by someone who is not seeing you, there is a seduction process that must go on.

Seducing another into seeing you begins by creating value in the eyes of the person you want to be seen by. If you are unable to show up in a way that they consciously value, it is best to pick someone else who can see your value enough to be motivated to see you. The reason for this is that unconsciously they will be fighting the process of seeing you, because it means more thinking and stimulation in ways that could be painful or stressful. If they are not consciously motivated to see you, they will likely brush you off. To find out who is consciously motivated to see you, ask directly: “On a 1-10 scale how motivated are you to get to know me better?” If their answer is less than a 7, find someone else or ask them what you would need to do to motivate them to get to 7 or higher.

Once you have someone who wants to see you, they must make sacrifices to do so. Being seen and seeing takes a lot of time and full attention, which are highly prized and rare commodities in our adrenaline driven culture. This is also where it gets real. Ask for ten hours of uninterrupted time scheduled and honored in the next month. As most people live most of their life in 3-6 value range, if you honestly are a 7 on their 1-10 value scale, you will win out over other items pressuring for their time. So here is where you find out if they are simply being polite. The important thing is that if they are honest it will not feel like they are making sacrifices to them. They will be excited to spend the time with you, even though they will be letting go of many things to do it.

Once you have time scheduled in a quiet environment, there is an art to creating safety, clarity and respect by making requests for how you want to be heard. This is as much an art as painting, so if you do not know it, give yourself the gift of learning. Statistically there is only a small chance that you do really know how to coach another to hearing you in the ways you deserve to be heard. This is where having a relationship coach can be so supportive. It does not happen overnight. Every conversational painting gets clearer and more beautiful with practice.

How Can I Learn to Honor my Sensitivity?

Writing, doing art, meditating and receiving healing sessions from alternative practitioners are all possibilities. Ultimately, to sustainably interact with the world in nourishing ways, we need to learn new skills and habits that foster well-being and win/win relationships. Learning these skills can begin by reading books, such as The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine Aron, and the three books I have written: Maps to Love, 101 Choices on My Path to Well-being and Cresting the Waves: a Guide to Sailing through Life on Relation-Ships.  However books can only take us so far. Real change begins when we have lots of practice engaging with others in ways that honor our sensitivity. With this in mind I invite you to attend any of the groups I lead or begin a one-on-one coaching relationship in which we practice key skills for creating well-being as well as form a plan to achieve your goal.

Can I Have a Successful Romantic Relationship?

Yes! HSP’s can have some of the most intense, ecstatic and beautifully in-synch relationships on the planet precisely because they are so sensitive. The key variables in whether or not you will experience this amazing potential include your skill in choosing a partner, your skill in coaching and being coached by that partner to honor both of your sensitivities, and your skill at stepping outside the “normal” box to create a unique and satisfying relationship that works for you and your partner. In the individual coaching we do, we focus a lot on this path to bliss because great relationships are often more important and satisfying to HSP’s. We also use an approach of having a primarily social interaction with you so that you can learn and gain confidence through the experience of having a great relationship.